13 (Lucky) Tips on HSPs and Dating

1. The headline is that dating, particularly on the apps, which is currently where most relationships begin, can be a numbers game, and HSPs may simply not pursue enough connections to hit the jackpot.  We can be overstimulated by the novelty of matching, chatting with, and meeting new people, and can take it harder when things don’t work out (see rejection sensitive dysphoria).  It is wise to be selective and to take breaks from dating to manage vulnerability hangovers and burnout.  Also, do not stay in a hopeless relationship simply to avoid having to go back out there and date again.  Overall, my zen’s teacher’s advice on pursuing a spiritual path applies here, too: date with “great faith, great doubt, and great determination.”

2. People in first marriages/20s & early 30s will often look for a yin/yang relationship of HSP/non-HSP or introvert/extrovert.  We see more HSP pairings in second marriages and/or later-in-life relationships.  It can work either way.  HSP guru Elaine Aron is married to a non-HSP.  But often HSPs seek out other HSPs once they have gained greater self-acceptance and worked to become whole on their own rather than finding a partner to “complete” them.

3. (Healthy) HSPs are typically hardworking, smart, caring, and good at incorporating feedback.  I have no doubt that those who commit themselves to dating will eventually find someone.  It’s a question of persistence, social and coping skills, and the aforementioned volume.

4. HSPs are often less comfortable dating multiple people at once.  Do it anyway, particularly if a clock is ticking, either to start a family or simply to individuate from one’s family of origin.  What I mean by “dating” is going out a time or two with a few different people and continuing to chat with others while you see how you feel.  If you are not looking to procreate soon and/or are securely attached, then by all means, date as leisurely and exclusively as you please.  With more anxious/preoccupied attachment, dating more widely can also help counter the urge to idealize the one person you have something going with.   

5. Most HSPs are into sex, they just have to feel comfortable with the person, whether that’s on the first date, the third (most commonly!), or the tenth.  This is particular true for high sensation-seeking HSPs and, duh, for higher-libido HSP women and men.  If sex is important to you, hold out for a good sexual connection, not just a nice, loving person.

6. On that note, heed Elaine Aron’s advice and don’t pity-date anyone.  “Should HSPs be better at detecting and avoiding the deeply troubled?” she writes in The HSP in Love.  "We will be better, yes, with experience. But without experience, we may pick up on their powerful needs and want to help without being able to foresee all the consequences of being in a close relationship with them.”  Loyalty is a common virtue among HSPs, but as Aristotle said thousands of years ago, “every virtue is a vice in absence and excess.”  People need to earn, and may abuse, your loyalty.

7.  More on HSPs and boundaries: some use sex to feel comfortable and connected quickly, a kind of sexual bypassing that can be enjoyable but not intimate.  Vulnerability is hard but sex is easy, the shock and awe, especially since HSPs are often skilled at sensing what others like.  But if things don’t deepen, either emotionally or even sexually (ahem, reciprocal pleasure), move on.

8. HSPs may be either slow texter-backers or fast texter-backers — seems to me to relate more to schedule and attachment style than sensitivity, so interpret carefully and don’t assume, although generally 24 hours is the standard to respond once you’ve been on a date or two.

9. HSPs can be overly detail-focused and susceptible to the joy of getting to know someone new.  Yes, it’s nice that he hooks you up with all his olives and pickles, and so cool that he also had a pug growing up and likes the name Jasper for a boy, but this is not a strong foundation for a relationship; you’re fucking high on honeymoon hormones and neurotransmitters.  Been there, and I’m happy for you, but… take some deep breaths and try to see things more clearly.  What are your core values and dealbreakers?   

10. Can be overly focused on details about themselves as well, i.e. hypercritical.  Nope, doesn’t matter if you wear black eyeliner or brown on this date, not gonna make or break it.  You are trying to put your best foot forward, not a “perfect” foot forward.  You want to be appreciated, but for yourself.  As Steven Hayes, founder of ACT, says, “when you play false to be accepted, you feel false, even when you are accepted.”  If you are struggling to believe anyone could love you as you are, please seek therapy to help re/build healthy self-esteem.     

11.  Like anyone, HSPs can lose touch with the independent part of ourselves.  We are all wired for connection, but we’re not babies anymore, so life no longer literally depends on securing attachment to any one specific person.  You have it in you to be whole and complete on your own.  Draw on your relationship to yourself, and to all the other love and nurturing available in this world, whether a friend, a therapist, a book, a pet, or preferably all of the above.       

12.  Remember that most happy couples are made up of people who failed in previous relationships.  I know many clients and friends who have gone five or ten years between successful relationships, and not for lack of trying, before eventually finding a great love.  Do not succumb to the faulty core belief that you are unloveable.  Fuck.  That.

13. Did I mention that healthy HSPs tend to be smart, caring, funny, loyal, generous, and hardworking?  What’s not to love?  Now get out there and meet some people!   

As with many of my posts on HSPs, they may apply more or less well to ADHDers and autistic folks too.  And as always, actual results may vary!  Even people who identify as highly sensitive will be shaped by many other genetic and environmental factors.